Dustin Eyejuice – What’s on at Hammer’s this coming week?

In this series of segments, local man (thick Plymouthian accent, aged about 29.. not a janner as such) Dustin Eyejuice offers helpful advice to listeners as well as complaints about the show. Each segment should be recorded in the style of a message he left on an answering machine.
In this sixth segment, Dustin calls to let listeners know this week’s events at Hammer’s.

[FX: Beep]
Hammer’s News. On Monday, Rick and Simon will be doing the pub quiz. Top prize this week is a nearly new drum of Swarfega provided by that bloke who works with Les. MC at Hammer’s returns on Tuesday night, with Terry’s brother Les, doing some blue material that he picked up from a Geordie. Wednesday night is Roast night as usual. This week’s roast is veal. Get your three quid to Chris at Bishop’s on Clyde Road by Monday night. Thursday night is ladies night, with Terry’s daughter Rosie running the show. Drinks for all ladies are free, providing you can get a man to buy them for you. Trish and Julie will be giving a brief excerpt from their new avant garde stage show, ‘Butterflies On The Hoe’ and Amanda will be doing the raffle. Friday night is Fright Day Night, with the latest European video nasty courtesy of that bloke who works with Les – entrance is two quid, but you get a free Bloody Mary. Saturday night sees the return of ‘Something for the weekend’ and this week it’s ‘Hammer’s and Thongs’ which sees two of Rosie’s mates offering lap dances for the lads. Entrance is invitation only, though Terry says invitations will be on offer for fifteen quid each, or free if you’re in the police. Sunday night wraps up the Hammer’s week with the usual lock in till 2am with a buffet of sausage rolls and breaded mushrooms courtesy of that bloke who works with Les.